The Jump
by yay-for-names
Summary: After Ichigo loses his powers while fighting Aizen, he falls into a deep depression. WARNINGS- self-harm, general darkness, and suicide. ONE-SHOT


... Hi there. I know I should be working on To Become a Zanpakuto, But the next chapter will be up soon (I hope...)! Anyways, I got really depressed and started writing this. Now my mother thinks I have problems... fun. Now, I'll stop blabbering so you can read!

* * *

As I sit on the railing of the bridge looking up at the starry night sky, I think about my life.

From day one, I could see ghosts. I even helped a few find peace and move on to Soul Society.

I can't anymore.

Then came the day my mother was killed by the hollow Grand Fisher. He tricked me into thinking that there was a girl about to fall into the river I was currently sitting above. I slipped in the mud at the edge of the rain-swelled river and would have fallen in if my mother hadn't pulled me back. I don't really remember what happened next, only waking up to find my mother's dead body lying on top of me. I wandered the riverbank for days after, searching for… something. I still don't know what it was.

I couldn't protect her.

The next few years were normal; well as normal as an orange haired kid who could see ghosts could be. Then Rukia appeared, with the hollows following close behind. One had attacked our house and knocked out Goat-face by throwing him into a wall. It had hurt Yuzu and by the time I got downstairs, Karin had passed out in its hand.

I couldn't protect them.

Of course me, being the hotheaded dumb shit that I was, rushed at the thing and started yelling. The hollow immediately lunged toward me. If Rukia hadn't taken the hit for me and damaged its mask, I would have died there.

I couldn't protect her.

Rukia gave me half of her power and I quickly beat down the hollow and rescued Karin. After that everything was all right except for the run-in with Grand Fisher. I drove him off without even knowing Zangetsu's name. Pretty epic if I do say so myself. I never saw him again. Later, Oya-jii told me that he had killed Grand Fisher so I was cool with that.

But then Renji and Byakuya came to bring Rukia back to Seireitei. When I first met them, I thought that Renji was completely sadistic and that Byakuya was an emo bastard. Anyways, I fought Renji to a standstill before he pulled his Shikai and tore up my shoulder.

After that I kind of snapped. Now before you ask, I did have my inner hollow at this point. He formed when my mother died. Urahara's training only turned him into an Arrancar. Anyways, I let his hollow powers spike my own and dull the pain in my shoulder. I kept the hollow part of my reiatsu suppressed so that they wouldn't get suspicious.

After that, a human with Shinigami powers that didn't even know his zanpakuto's name owned Renji and his shikai. I was completely out of it by now; I was all instinct. I would have killed Renji if Byakuya hadn't intervened.

The shock of losing all but the last few inches of my zanpakuto snapped me back to reality. Even if he only has access to 20% of his power, Byakuya is still a fast little bastard. Without bankai or shunpo, I never stood a chance against him. But I'll give up when Hell freezes over. I've been to Hell; it was nowhere near frozen.

I was on the ground with a pierced saketsu and hakusui, bleeding to death. I could barely move, even with my hollow powers as high as they could go without being noticed. I still grabbed Byakuya's hakama and glared at him as I tried to stand up. How scandalized was I when Rukia kicked my hand away and went with them willingly.

I couldn't protect her.

I let my instant regeneration powers try to stop the bleeding, but with my dwindling reiatsu it couldn't do much. I let his powers fall dormant again as I passed out.

Sometimes I wish that I had just died there; that Urahara had never found me and saved me. I know that I shouldn't think like that, but I just can't bring myself to care.

I remember my fight with Aizen. He turned into some weird demon butterfly thing and I had to use the saigo no getsuga tensho to finally kill him. After that, I lost all my powers, becoming a normal human again.

I was happy for about a week. Then I got depressed. I would sit in my room with the door locked, staring at my useless combat pass and thinking about my past battles.

I was like that for about a month. My grades dropped so much that I was one of the lowest ranked people in the class. I became the delinquent that everyone thought I was. I would do my homework only when I felt like it; that was the only reason that I wasn't the lowest ranked person in the class.

Then it got worse. I started cutting myself because I wanted to feel something other than the emptiness inside me. For three months no one knew a thing. I suffered through my pain in silence. That's how I wanted it.

But then I got careless. I forgot to check if I was alone on the roof of the school. Ishida snuck up behind me just as I was about to cut.

_*Flashback*_

_"K- Kurosaki?" Ishida was shocked. I could tell from his voice._

_I froze, knife hovering over my arm, poised to cut. I quickly pushed it into my sleeve and covered my armful of scars with my hand._

_"What do you want, Ishida?" I asked tonelessly, not turning around._

_"What were you doing?" He asked._

_"Nothing that concerns you." I said, still not facing him._

_"Turn around and face me, damn it!" I could tell he was getting annoyed._

_I sighed and turned around, hiding my uncovered arm behind my back._

_"Let me see your arm," he demanded._

_"Why?"_

_He didn't answer me, verbally at least. He lunged for my arm, trying to get a closer look at it. Now, I may not have my powers, but I'm not completely helpless. I twisted around Ishida and slammed my elbow between his shoulder blades. He went down like a sack of bricks._

_"Just because I don't have my powers anymore doesn't mean that I can't defend myself," I hissed at his back._

_He twisted on the ground and knocked my feet out from under me. As I hit the pavement, my knife flew out of my sleeve and skittered across the roof. I jumped up before Ishida could pin me and leaped after it. My hand closed around the handle just as it was about to fall under the railing. I breathed a sigh of relief._

_"That was dangerous," I said as I turned around. "That could've-" I broke off as Ishida grabbed my uncovered arm._

_"K- Kurosaki? What is this?"_

_"Scars," I sighed. I knew that I had been found out._

_"We knew that you were depressed, but we never even suspected that it got this bad." Ishida frowned. "I'm almost afraid to ask… how long have you been doing this?"_

_"About three months I guess," I said. I had never really thought about it._

_"Th- three months!?" Ishida's glasses fell off his nose in surprise. "Does anyone else know?"_

_"No, you're the first one to catch me."_

_"I have to go call your dad." Ishida muttered as he put his glasses back on._

_"NO!" I yelled. "You can't tell anyone!"_

_"I have to Kurosaki," Ishida said. "You need help."_

_I scoffed. "What am I going to say to a normal human counselor? I'm depressed because I _can't_ see ghosts anymore? I'm depressed because I _don't_ have an insane hollow living in my head and trying to take over my body? I'm depressed because I _can't_ leave my body and fight monsters anymore? I cut myself because I've been close to death so many times that I need some sort of pain to feel somewhat normal? They'll throw me in an asylum!" Ishida stopped. I made some valid points. "You have to promise me, on your pride as a Quincy, that you won't tell anyone about this."_

_"I can't keep this a secret from everyone and you know that."_

_"I don't want to be protected anymore Ishida, please."_

_I suppose I sounded really pathetic because he actually agreed._

_"… Fine. I swear on my pride as a Quincy that I will not speak about this to anyone."_

_*Flashback end*_

Ishida kept his word and for five months everything was alright. I continued to cut and distance myself from my friends and family. But then everything went south again. My idiot of a father caught me on the roof just as the knife pierced my skin. There was no covering this up. He was shocked and hurt. He asked how long I had been doing this, as some of my scars looked kind of old. He fell off the roof in shock. It was almost eight months at this point. He took the opportunity to grab some bandages and the like for my arm.

_*Flashback*_

_"I'm going to call a counselor when we get back inside," goat-face said. "Whether you want to admit it or not, you need help."_

_I scoffed. "I'll say to you the same thing that I told Ishida five months ago when he caught me: What am I going to say to them? I'm depressed because I can't see ghosts anymore? I'm depressed because I don't have an insane hollow living in my head and trying to take over my body? I'm depressed because I can't leave my body and fight monsters anymore? I started cutting myself because I've been inches from death so many times that I need some sort of pain to feel something anymore? They'll throw me in an asylum! A normal human doctor? Don't make me laugh."_

_"Hmmm… I suppose you're right about that," Oya-jii conceded. "In that case I know just who to call!"_

_He was gone before I could ask who._

_*Flashback end*_

He called Geta-Boshi. For the next month and a half, I went over to the Urahara Shoten after school every day. We mostly talked about my life and where I thought I went wrong. He thought it was a self-esteem or guilt problem. He was wrong. I'd come to terms with the whole Aizen fiasco a long time ago. I told him what I would have said when I was a naive idiot and he sent me on my way. It was hard, not being able to feel at all for a month and a half, but that just makes the next cut that much sweeter. I continued to cut in secret for two months until my dad caught me again.

He didn't say a word, just turned around and went back inside to call Urahara. I guess he thought that I had a relapse instead of the 'problem' never being 'solved' in the first place. I'll never know.

Thinking about it now, I realize. Everyone who called out my name asking me to save them from their enemy, they never truly called out for Kurosaki Ichigo; they called out for the power he possessed. They never worried about my wellbeing; when they healed my wounds, they worried about all the power I had going to waste. So when I lost my powers in the process of killing Aizen, they just discarded me like the broken sword that I am. I know I should be mad, but I'm not. I am hollow.

Living is a pain.

I know that Ishida would be mad at me for wasting the rest of my mortal life. Tatsuki and Karin would be mad too. Orihime would cry fake tears to keep up the damsel in distress act. Chad and my family would be the only ones to cry real tears for me. I can't bring myself to care.

Death is not a foreign concept to me; I spent enough time in seireitei to know. With what I feel, or, more correctly, don't feel, I would become a hollow within seconds after dying. But becoming a hollow would mean forgetting my pathetic life as a human and Shinigami. It means a release. That's all I want now: a release from this emptiness that I feel.

So I jump.

* * *

... Damn. I did not know that I could be that dark. Please don't kill me for killing Ichigo *hides behind desk* If any of you readers want to do something like a sequel or something like that, please feel free. Just make sure to mention me and send a PM, I'd love to read it!

(edit) wow... I just reread this. I did not realize that there was so many mistakes in this... I fixed them at least ^_^"

Anyways, R&R!


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